ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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