By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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