Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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