Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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