I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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