Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
