Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
