she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
