I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Randomize
