He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
