Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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