why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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