I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
