She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
