Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
