Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Randomize
