You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
