I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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