Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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