Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
