just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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