I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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