I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
