You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
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Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
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How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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