I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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