so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
