I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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