I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost