I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.