i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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