I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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