Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
