Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
