You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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