Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
he fucked my hip out of place.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
