Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
