Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
