mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Randomize
