Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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