Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
