so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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