If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
