If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
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Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
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There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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