elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
