pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
