He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
