Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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