pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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