I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
