we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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