while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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