I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
