i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
me + whiskey = a bad person
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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