I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
