Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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