Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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