They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
