my mouth tastes like poor choices
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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