You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
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She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
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She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize