why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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